- It’s the lack of structure that I really struggle with. I can make time in the day for my stuff, in small chunks at least, and the kids don’t need me EVERY second (just always the wrong ones). But somehow facing down a whole day without a clear routine to it just wipes me out.
- There are all these things I think I’ll get done in the holidays. Things that don’t fit into the usual routine; big projects like clearing out old toys, sorting the chaos in the kids’ room, reorganising my craft shelves. Things that weigh on me as long as they’re undone, but are just too overwhelming to face in the normal course of things. Having four weeks to tackle bigger projects seems like a gift, but then: how do you even get started when the kids are on top of you the whole time? So I feel even worse for failing to tackle this stuff.
- When I DO manage to tackle anything much I feel like a straight-up hero. I had an afternoon of baby-sitting this week. Since I was working at home, and the kids were there too, it wasn’t exactly hours of undisturbed peace, but still: I managed to clear my desk and get one big tick on a work project and that was enough to make me feel incredibly powerful and like I might actually be in some kind of control over my life. I got almost as much satisfaction and illusion of agency from painting my nails and tidying the living room. Literally ANYTHING I manage to achieve is proof of astonishing godlike powers.
- C wants my full attention any chance she can, and fair enough, she’s kind of owed. M gets me to himself regularly when she’s at school (even after the start of kindergarten, this will be true two afternoons a week). Mommy time without baby brother – that’s a very precious commodity. So any time M disappears for a playdate, she thinks she’s due a Mommy date. But I need that time for work. (I keep my commitments to a minimum during holidays, but still, they don’t disappear entirely. And by 8pm – after a full day of ALL THAT – I’m in dire need of Knitflix, so no, I don’t really want to just do the work after the kids are in bed.)
- So in the holidays I spend even more time than usual worrying about my kids growing up with the feeling that I really don’t want to spend any time with them. Of course there’d be no truth in that whatsoever. None.
Maybe a little tiny bit.
Nos 27 & 28 of #52recipes: zucchini pancakes. Good, but the kids weren’t convinced. And since I have better recipes for both zucchini and pancakes, they won’t be repeated. Garlic cream potatoes were much more successful (although, as I expected, it took waaaaay longer than the recipe said – my stove is a bit difficult, I need to experiment with heat settings). I cooked chicken strips with it (in the same pan) and of course that long cooking time dried them out, but the principle is good. And really, the spuds were ridiculously good.