Still keep thinking about my changing sense of self. I had a bit of a jolt this week when I realised I’m becoming far more conformist than I ever used to be (or wanted to be) – I was reading about Disneybounding (I KNOW RIGHT!!) and realised I’m never going to try it. Not just because of budget, or the fact that I don’t really want to draw attention to my pudgy body these days. But because I don’t want to draw attention, full stop. This is… not how I used to be. I used to be very into playing dress-up. But not now. And that slightly frightens me.
I can think of a lot of reasons for this. One is that it’s just not as cute on a 40-something as a 20-something. (This applies to more than just clothes, and was a horrifying thought after my last job interview: I’ve aged out of bubbliness but haven’t gained gravitas, so now I’m just awkward and hard to picture as part of the office team.) Another is that I already feel like such an alien in the Swiss burbs, I don’t want to marginalise myself even more.
Ruh roh. I love Switzerland deeply – except for its three Cs: conservative, complacent, conformist. A and I have always been aware that we don’t want to become those things, and don’t want our kids to grow up that way. We thought we could have a little family bubble of quiet resistance. But apparently it’s not playing out that way for me. There are just too many factors. If I weren’t struggling with the language, if I weren’t unemployed, maybe I’d be happy to be an oddball? Being an oddball among friends, or in a workplace where you’re constantly proving yourself regardless of how “weird” you are, is a very different thing. So… suddenly I’m keen to be part of the Borg? Well that just sucks.
I keep starting to cry when I talk about myself these days. All this stuff is just a bit too raw. But it pisses me off, this crying. I never used to be such a fragile flower and I hate that there are people who’ve never known the old me but have now seen me in tears more than once, over basically nothing. This is fucking STUPID. I’d like to grow up now please.
OH WELL. I have awesome kids and an awesome husband. And awesome friends, even if most of them are on the other side of the world. I’m doing work I’m proud of on the design front, even if it is just a weird hobby that most people will never get. I know I am loved and worthwhile. So that’s enough.