- I start the new (temporary?) job today,* though I still get two days off this week for clearing the decks at home. It’s all a bit scary. Aspects of the job that should be quite appealing – meeting interesting people; doing occasional events – are especially scary. I didn’t used to be this introverted, but a decade at home does unpleasant things to one’s self-confidence, and in my case it’s particularly hit my confidence in social interaction. And everything just seems to need at lot more energy than it used to.
- At the same time I’m distressingly aware of all the good parts of my hausfrau life that I’m giving up: flexibility. Quiet time alone. Time for exercise! (In theory. In practice, I’ve been a bit swamped with other stuff, but still, at least sometimes I could go running.) The freedom to do fun stuff with my kids – last week had me taking Claudia to see the SBB train workshop in action (so cool!), and taking Max on a pony ride into the forest. Basically, since Max started kindergarten, I’ve finally gotten a taste of the good part of this gig; and now I’m screwing it all up again.
- But after years of moaning about not having a job, how can I possibly complain! Especially, how can I complain about having to go into an office and talk to people, when I’ve been missing that so much! Yet suddenly it seems… not so much fun. I am such a brat. SUCH a brat. I keep consoling myself that it’s only five months, but there’s a strong possibility that it could actually continue, and while that should be a good thing, it doesn’t feel like it.
- At the same time as this work-related emotional rollercoaster, I’ve been going through similar Feels with a third-party design (ie something to be published by a magazine, not by me). Much excitement to have my idea accepted; doubts over the yarn; very slow progress with much ripping out and deadline stress; anxiety over whether the sample would in fact be good enough; anxiety over the pattern writing, because I find brioche very easy and logical to actually knit but a total bear to chart; and finally, finally, everything done and submitted more or less on time and I felt sooooo happy. So happy. Unreasonably happy. Relief, what a drug that is.
- And meanwhile our social lives have been picking up suddenly. Which also feels mostly exhausting, but is of course rewarding. Between long evenings with the neighbours (including a murder mystery dinner! very bloody hard work auf Deutsch) and going to a Freshlyground gig (at a teeny weeny jazz club! so intimate! so exciting to meet the band! they’re South African superstars y’know) and Armin hanging out with work colleagues for this and that… it kinda feels like having grown-up lives again? Imagine that.
* This post brought to you, not unusually, by the magic of scheduling. Possibly I should switch to Sunday night posts if I’m not going to be able to publish live, like, ever, but I don’t wanna.