Still super happy about having only 2 weeks left at Job A, but also still those lingering feelings of guilt mixed with failure and weakness. What’s THAT about. I shocked myself the other day as I became aware of a memory floating at the back of my mind, reinforcing all that guilt and failure. A memory of how I flunked out of university, having started the year with great determination not to repeat the previous year’s almost-flunking-out mistakes, and then conspicuously failed to do any work at all. The thing is? THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Not any of it. It’s one of those classic anxiety dreams, which I’ve “enjoyed” so often that, apparently, my subconscious mind is no longer aware that it’s just a dream. I had to work pretty hard to remind myself of what actually happened at university (could have done better, still did fine though) because it was hella convincing.
Well, screw that, subconscious, I am not so very much of an underachiever. But I’m quite looking forward to underachieving a bit when I finally get some free time again. I plan to do as little as possible for, ooh, at least a couple of weeks? It will be one regular week, then school holidays hit, but it’s okay, childcare is arranged. By the time that’s all over I’ll probably be ready to be useful again. But it gives me a comfortable three weeks to chill.
I have this ridiculous itch to make LISTS of all the nothing I plan to do, which is, again, ridiculous. So I’m not doing that. I am thinking about the possibility of sewing again, though. Which is probably also ridiculous. But I scored this book today from a friend who’s leaving Switzerland, and a chunk of rather fabulous sparkly pinstripe denim too (not enough for jeans, but maybe a cute skirt), so that’s… maybe a little extra motivation?
And now that I’m formally employed, and especially coming out of a fairly stressful time with a big design project, I find I’m happy to let go of the idea that I need to put all my childfree time into knitting-related work. Which was never going to pay the bills anyway. I’m most certainly not dropping design – never ever – but I’m taking the pressure waaaaay off. And going to make a point of doing things Just For Me. Until my hours go up again, probably.
Feeling pretty good about my two upcoming designs, though – the big stressy one and the little one that worked beautifully as a palate cleanser right after it. Design may be a rollercoaster, but it’s so very lovely to see it all come together in the end.