I think I’m about to be asked to work many more hours by January at the latest, which is good in many ways and not unexpected, but also: awww. Working 40% is awesome. Clearly I am very lazy (or if you’re generous: I just have way too many interests to pack into the time left me from full-time work + kids; but then, who doesn’t?).
Knowing that this glorious freedom is likely to end soon leaves me balancing two conflicting instincts: A. I must make the most of this time I still have by doing ALL THE THINGS, but B. I must make the most of this time by doing ALL THE NOTHING! It is such a ridiculously huge privilege, having time for nothing. Before kids you don’t realise how absolutely special it is. But now I do, I REALLY DO and if it’s going to be taken away from me, I feel like I should maximise the lazy. (Armin of course votes A, because he thinks we always default to doing nothing, but I call bullshit. We are somehow always working on things. Always.) It’s entirely possible I’ll be spending 12 hours a week for the rest of the year on watching Buffy and knitting random shit. I might do that. And proudly.
But I mean first I have to do these two freelance projects I’ve stupidly agreed to and then there’s the sewing thing, I can only try that when kids aren’t around, and if I am knitting I may as well be working on the mountain of design ideas I’ve written down and… well. Like that.
Still, though. I know why A thinks we do nothing: we’re always working but we don’t get much DONE. I have all these projects (design, business, personal) and I don’t seem to make much headway. I guess the phrase “all these projects” holds a strong clue as to why that is: lack of focus. But still. How is it that I can be so hella productive at work, and at home so… not?
Knitting design is probably not a great area for me to be working in, frankly, because by its nature, you need to be working on a lot of different things at once – making one thing (or more), planning and writing up others, revising and running tests and doing photography (and edits), creating tutorials and so on and so on, plus the enormous amount of work that goes into online marketing… so for a person who struggles with focus anyway, that’s difficult. And then there’s the constant comparison. You know it’s pointless measuring your success against anyone else, but it’s impossible not to. Demoralising. So, current mood: not super impressed with myself, because I haven’t achieved certain things I hoped to achieve this year, and I know that I could have done better if, if, if. Does it matter? Not at all. Considering that I never, ever expected to achieve much with design in concrete terms, I can’t be disappointed. But the ego is hurt. Is very stupid. I probably just need to get more sleep.