In the burnout zone yet again. I realise this is ridiculous. I can’t bounce from one job to the next and claim exhaustion after the first couple of months. But in my defence, (1) I didn’t sign on for 80% workload (and in fact it’s been 100% for weeks now), and (2) this particular project is known as an absolute killer. Editors generally do it once and then quit. In my case, I probably won’t have to quit, I’m on a limited contract and it may well not be renewed, so… yay?
Part of what makes it so absolutely wrecking is that I can’t pinpoint why it’s so hard. (Also a lot like previous job.) It’s a huge project with long hours, but that’s not it. It’s more an organisation problem. And I’m dealing with that. And yet. I very badly need a break at this point, and so does my project partner. Oh well… only a few weeks to go.
Sent in a job application last week, not sure how I feel about it. Good on paper, but I have reason to fear more chaos, more lack of control, more unreasonable stress. But low hours. But also low $$$. And while I really am not motivated by money in general, right now, money matters quite a lot because we’re trying to get a mortgage.
Except we don’t actually have a house to buy yet. We looked at something last week, and it’s also great on paper, but not quite right – mostly because too expensive. We’d be happy with something just a little bit smaller and/or more run-down and just a little bit cheaper… but something like that doesn’t happen to be on the market right now. I think I’d be a lot happier if I didn’t have such a pressing feeling of wanting to get things Sorted Out Now Please. But I do. I really, really do. And it’s very frustrating having so much completely out of my control.
All I want is a life in which I work but still have time to knit and read books and switch off my computer on Sundays and regularly do a little bit of absolutely NOTHING. And have the energy to do fun things with the kids from time to time. Is that so much to ask? I shouldn’t be so thinly spread that I don’t even have time to keep my nails tidy.