From the land of ugh: 5 things 1.4.19

  • Having a lot of thoughts about work and ego. As in, right now it looks like I will be going back to freelancing after May, and I’m in the hugely privileged position that being jobless isn’t a disaster, but it still sucks. Mostly because I don’t get the ego gratification of having a cool job that I’m good at. Feels like I’m just treading water on all fronts right now – I can do what I do just fine, but I’m not doing anything particularly well, or making any progress. And that’s pretty demoralising. Because ego.
  • Also having related thoughts about how many moms are in a similar position, and the natural (but not great) side effect is to seek validation from your kids’ success. If kids are basically your job, then you want some kind of performance metric and maybe that can be their grades, or their sports achievements! But ughhh, right? And also, even if you’re not falling into that trap, there’s a tiny issue that nobody cares. Talking about your kids (to anyone not directly involved in their lives) is a big no-no. And I have feelings about that too. Why is it more socially acceptable to show off pet pictures, or to talk about your hobby to people who don’t share that hobby, than about your kids? I mean, privacy issues aside; I’m just talking about the side-eye you get for imagining anybody would even be interested. (And I clearly remember being on the other side of this myself. I’m not imagining it. It’s a very real, culturally supported thing.)
  • Meanwhile I’m saying yes to too many freelance things, because they’re things I’ll be very glad of after June, but right now of course the last thing I want is more commitments. So that’s a fun reminder of just how tricky freelancing can be: always either too much or too little. Ah well. Trying to focus on the fact that they’re good, interesting projects, at least.
  • At actual job I also have a good, interesting project, and yet I’m still entirely unmotivated and frankly depressed at the thought of going to work every day. Partly because of being worn down by the whole situation, partly because I have just lost faith that my good, interesting project will actually pan out. Meaning, I’ll put a lot of work in, and it will all just get politicked away into blahness. Ughhhhh. But okay. That’s just the corporate thing. Man I need to leave already.
  • Aaaanyway I had a really fun weekend doing stuff entirely for me! Spent Saturday at the (new) Swiss Yarn Festival;* spent Sunday brunching with friends and then watching Captain Marvel. Gorgeous weather, all very lovely and relaxing and fun. Turns out I do still like fun, even when I think I don’t have the energy for it. Good to know.
  • Tiny little yarn hangover situation of course. My problem is that I have (a) Too Much Yarn but also (b) Too Many Ideas – some of which require yarn I don’t necessarily have in stash. And one of my ideas involves a whole design series, all requiring specifically Swiss yarns, so once I gave in to the desire to get some yarn specifically for that, it was impossible to draw the line and not get more yarn for more of the series. And yes, “too much yarn” exists, at least for me, but it’s a completely personal criterion. If you have a room full of yarn, that isn’t necessarily too much yarn. I have a cupboard full of yarn and it is waaay too much, because while each individual skein sparks joy, taken all together, it feels like a burden in that “unconquerable to-do list” way. 

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