Not wanting to do anything is an odd state for someone like me, who normally always wants to do too much. I expect that sooner or later I’ll have a job and will deeply regret all this time wasted doing nothing. But then again, maybe not. Maybe I’d regret not doing nothing. Which is really not a luxury I ever allow myself. Maybe just sitting quietly for a bit is exactly what I need.
No, fuck that. I’m not quietly regenerating here. I’m blobbing. My demotivation is getting pretty annoying. I’m not just negative about the jobs I obviously don’t want, I’m negative about even the jobs I would have been pretty excited about a year ago. Such a WHINER. I don’t want to knit, even. I’m just sulking and feeling sorry for myself and HONESTLY, me, get over yourself.
I hear myself and all my excuses, I do, that’s the problem. There are all these reasons for my lack of progress, lack of options, and they’re valid, but still. Sometimes the reason is basically just “I don’t have the energy,” or at least “I don’t think the prospects are worth the energy investment,” so basically that’s on me, isn’t it. This is part of the suckage: all this is showing up what’s wrong with my idea of myself. Not actually so resourceful, resilient, capable as I want to be and thought I was.
There is physical suckage, too, as well as mental suckage. Obviously it goes hand in hand and obviously there is stuff I could and should be doing to make things better for myself. On all fronts. Basic self-care: be a good mommy to myself and ensure proper exercise, eating, sleep. But I’m just. Not. Feeling it. Again, omg, get over yourself, me! (But the good mommying feels far too much like yelling at myself, and even though I know it’s well intended, I still resent it, because my inner child is 13 again and really pretty shitty.)
Meanwhile, there isn’t actually no progress, it’s just not progress I like. I keep getting phone interviews (for shitty jobs). What’s that about? I mean, yay that I get anywhere at all obvs, but when did people stop having real meetings? I suck on the phone. I guess it’s just a much lower commitment thing. Anyway. Maybe one of these days someone will invite me to a proper date. Maybe I won’t hate them. We’ll see. But I’m not hopeful.