We will not talk about the fucking election. We are bruised and miserable and yes, even though I’m not British and don’t live there any more, it still matters, it’s still personal, for family and other reasons. Even if it weren’t personal it would matter. It would hurt. But we will not fucking talk about it.
I also do not want to talk about two jobs I have avoided over the past week. (As in, closed a door on that could very likely – in one case pretty certainly – led to a Proper Job.) I have such a mess of feelings about all this. I have extremely solid reasons to believe that these jobs would not be good for me, and since I am ALSO bruised and miserable from the last two, I really don’t want to go there again. But, you know, beggars, choosers… who the hell do I think I am anyway? Shouldn’t I just be Doing Something at this point? Am I going to end up taking an even worse option because I waved away everything I thought wasn’t great? Do I have any chance of getting a job that I actually like ever, ever again?
That aside (and it is obviously a big thing), I find myself cheering up quite nicely of late, but still being pretty useless, and ruminating on what it means to be “useful” anyway and why I should care. Would it be so bad to just be a terrible hausfrau? Would it really? Now that I’m finally actually enjoying being with my kids? But I really am very bad at the hausfrau thing, very bad indeed. I hate cleaning, I’m lazy about cooking, and without any structure to my days, I don’t seem to be using the time well for personal things either, so we won’t talk about THAT.
It’s nearly 2020 and for the first time, like, EVER, I find myself completely lacking interest in cracking open my new diary and writing up some goals. There’s plenty I could/should be planning for, I just don’t even want to think about it.
OH WELL WHATEVER, WE HAVE KITTEHS. And they are extremely sweet kittehs. Venus has a way of grabbing your hand and push/pulling it over for head rubs; JoJo turns out to like belly snuggles. Both have very loud purrs, very soft and cooing mews, and an increasing willingness to come actively looking for cuddles. Where there are kittehs, nothing can be so bad.