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Ugh to the UGH: 5 things 1.6.20

  • Been another difficult week. Invited to a job interview that I really didn’t want (and which I fortunately escaped by enquiring about some details of the job requirements – I didn’t qualify). Didn’t hear back after the other interview, which is also a relief, but also no answer to my attempts to find out if the job I really *do* want is still open (presumably not). Wallowing in all those ugh feelings about how the problem is my attitude. Which is obviously terrible. But for reasons. But ugh, me.
  • My favourite freelance clients have been reaching out again suddenly and instead of being happy about that I’m just fed up! Because it’s so hard to get anything done and every time I think I’m almost ready to catch my breath, something else comes up! Which is, you know, life? Being lived? But UGH.
  • I feel so tired lately, even though in principle things are getting a bit easier. I think it’s the cognitive tension of constantly trying to figure out where we’re at and what’s ok and what isn’t really at this weird stage of not-quite-lockdown-but-not-yet-normal. Staying home was easy; the rules were clear. This is a lot harder. There’s also this weird stress from enforced long-term passivity. I’m pretty good at just going with the flow. But after a time it really is exhausting. And especially so when, again, the level of passivity required is somehow unclear. Should I be trying to get shit done and make things happen? But how does that fit in with… all this? UGH!
  • Biggest ugh of all of course is all the shit going on, AGAIN, across the pond. This is a weird one because I have absolutely no ties to the US. It doesn’t affect me at all, really. But it’s really hard to watch, on a human level, and because the online knitting world is very American, it’s very present. The knitting networks that I’m plugged into are also pretty progressive and quick to speak up about All This (and rally for donations, etc) and that’s exactly how it should be. But it’s weird to be so exposed to some bullshit that isn’t anything to do with me. I have been trying to read and learn about race (beyond what I’d already read and learnt, which is not nothing) but the online conversation is heavily US-centric and that’s not necessarily helpful. I need to engage more with where I am, and here in Switzerland, it’s very different; more about migrants (from eastern Europe as well as African refugees), less about colour. And it’s not at all clear what I personally can do. Not saying this as a copout, just: this is where I am. This is what I’m struggling with. Oh, and on a purely immediate, superficial level, I’m having to put off a pattern release because holy inappropriate timing Batman, and that is frustrating. Trivial. But frustrating.
  • We went over to the grandparents on Saturday for the first time this year – it was a lovely afternoon and so normal. Normal is weird, now. Anyway so M was playing ping pong and looked around at the grass, the sky, the trees, and said enthusiastically: “The world is so well made! It’s so… detailed! So REALISTIC!”

*Nos 31-34 of #52recipes: oven fries and pan-fried bream. Fish’n’chips! And tomato vinaigrette from Salt Fat Acid Heat, and rhubarb crumble muffins from a Swiss book.

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