I saw the hashtag #newyearsameme somewhere and felt an absolutely visceral rush of affirmation. Although there has never been a NY as universally welcomed as this, and although I’m always excited by that fresh new planner feeling, I’m feeling quite resolutely against any kind of self-improvement efforts, thankewverymuch. I feel like I’m actually fine. My circumstances are not ideal, and of course there are always things I can do better, but so what. I am not a project. My goals are not about trying to make a better me, they’re about making my life better – not more “successful”, just nicer. In small, manageable, everyday ways.
The working year is off to a slightly dodgy start as I didn’t sleep much last night (M had bad dreams), went back to bed after the kids were dispatched and slept the entire morning away. Whoops. But fine! I’m not letting anyone down, I can catch up on everything later, it’s fine. Just left me with that dopey feeling, even after a walk and a coffee. Today is not going to be a day of big January energy, but since we’ve established that I’m rejecting that anyway…
I did a very annoying tarot reading yesterday. (Yep. I love tarot. I also have a passing interest in astrology, but I’m mad at astrology these days because… well, never mind. We all know it’s ridiculous anyway, but it’s interesting anyway.) Anyway so the cards came out telling a very familiar picture, but the annoying part was that the message of a period of suspension, a necessary wait, time out to reflect and recharge… that was all in the future. I mean. I am already there; I have been for some time. I very much want this period to be, if not in the past, then at least the present, with a promise of change coming? But nooo apparently the waiting continues. FINE THEN. I embrace the now. The eternal, unchanging, infinitely suspended now.