Stoopid body, stoopid head

So skiing sucked. That is, the holiday was lovely, the mountains were stunning and full of snow, the weather was beautiful, and the rest of the family had a brilliant time on skis. Me, I stood on skis feeling quite amazingly NO. I went up a tiny hill, I went down a tiny hill, I was done. Everything in me said nuh uh. Not this year. You’re not ready.

Not surprising, in that I haven’t been building up my fitness *at all* and it’s always hard and I’m always scared and I was pretty sure it was going to be harder than usual both emotionally and physically… but surprising in the degree to which it just wasn’t happening. Another instance of being made very aware of how embodied my feelings are. And it sucks, frankly. I’m completely sick of having my body tell me, in all its little ways, that even if I think I’m doing okay, I’m not really. I don’t know how to move on from here. I don’t know how to take this knowledge and fix things. I sort of assume that when I finally get a job that isn’t awful, I’ll find my confidence and be able to actually believe that I really am okay. But I also sort of don’t think I believe that this mythical job is ever going to happen. And without that confidence and optimism, I don’t know how to proactively do the shit I might do to make good things happen. So it’s still a struggle just to let go and enjoy the moment. Which I do! Most of the time. But not on skis.

ANYWAY. Came back home to a list of small annoying things that need dealing with, the kind of thing that it feels like I’ve been dealing with non-stop for months. I’m in constant correspondence with various customer service departments to sort out defective toys and such. I’ve just had my sewing machines serviced and now I need to take them both back to the workshop (wtf, dude). Some mysterious small part has fallen off the dishwasher and I don’t even know what it’s needed for, or what it’s called in any language, or how to describe it in German, but I have to sort that out too. We have to finally get on with sorting out lights for the house, and the garden redesign, and new desk and dining chairs. It’s all such a pain. Will feel good when it’s all done, though. I could look at this as a good thing: every little thing that I tick off my list will give me a little boost. There is that.

And I’m surprised and interested to note how very much I’m itching to get busy with my sewing machines. I have the setup and the space, I have fabric, I have (some) confidence, I have PLANS. I got quite a rush from the speed with which I was able to churn things out before our holiday; sewing is such a thrill that way, when you’re used to knitting. You can go from wanting a thing to having the thing THAT SAME DAY! Amaze!

So if I can just get the bloody machines to actually bloody go, and to keep going… that would be great, thanks.

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