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Good, bad, whatever

Good thing: back to school after two weeks of holiday with very little to keep kids occupied (because plague, and rain, and friends either sick or in quarantine, and mommy flat out of ideas). Am actually pretty impressed with kids, they were very bored in a very sweet and cheerful way and completely omitted to be grotty with each other. I only realised last night how very little fighting there’s been lately. Excellent development.

Not great thing: we’ve had an extended run of breakages and plumbing problems and technical problems that just doesn’t seem to stop. Since about last October, if you start with the fridge having hysterics. We seem to be about up to date now with fixing everything (or will be when the tiler comes to close up the bathroom floor where the plumber had to get at the shower drain) and maybe everything can just stay okay for a bit? Please? Maybe the things we buy can be fault-free from the start, and we can not have any dramatic accidents or anything? That would be nice. Really nice. None of it has been a really big problem but it’s all so bloody exhausting.

Actually I’m feeling extremely exhausted just generally. Stuck in a place where there is no discernible progress on any of the things I really need progress on. Supposedly we are getting somewhere with plans for the garden, and the lights, but it’s hard to tell, and it feels like we keep going backwards. About two months ago I thought we were really close to having things DONE and now it feels a lot further away. Life is a slog. I’ve pushed myself to get exercising again (yoga, jogging; can’t call it “running” even slightly, at this pace) and it feels so much harder than it should. My tank is empty. But at least I’m doing something, and in theory, that should in itself slowly refill the tank…

I’ve been reading this book* and there’s such a clear, literal description of the heaviness of depression. Bodies being so hard to move. Limbs growing into each other because you just can’t. (Magical realism, eh.) I should say clearly that you don’t need to worry here, I know people worry when I go on about feeling depressed and yeah I’m not feeling very lekker, but I am genuinely okay. I feel that it’s okay to be depressed when there’s an actual problem behind it? And okay so I moan a lot here, but you don’t see me in the day to day, there’s a lot of smiling and laughing too. My life is fundamentally very good, just some stupid shit is getting me down, but so what, it happens. I’m still knitting. When I can’t be bothered to knit, then you can worry. But yeah, that heaviness.

___
* Yoh… it’s not for sissies. Or at least, it’s not for non-South Africans, and it’s not for anyone in need of a light comfort read. I loved it but it’s kind of a mess, and that blurb isn’t really accurate, and, well, there are issues, BUT it’s still a five-star read.

One thought on “Good, bad, whatever

  1. I came across a really interesting piece about the pandemic and mental health, which described a common problem as not quite “depression” in any clinical sense, but just “languishing” – not really bad, not good. Just plowing on.

    Wish Id read it more carefully, and made a note of the source, but did not. Sounds about right, to me.

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