Tomorrow I start my new job. I have a contract so it must be true. I am still having a little difficulty knowing how I feel about it; it’s very easy to see the ways in which it could suck (start-up chaos) as well as all the things that seem perfect. My natural tendency is always to get overexcited and optimistic and intensely involved in the possible greatness, but I’m not doing that now; not by choice, I just don’t feel it. I think it’s a good thing fundamentally, or at least, it’s not good to run with my optimism to my usual extent. But it would be nice not to feel quite so apprehensive. I don’t think this is my intuition telling me things are about to head south, I just think I’ve been scarred by the last couple of jobs where things were pretty awful and messed with my head a whole bunch.
But here I am and glad to be diving into a New Thing. It doesn’t have to be brilliant, just something where I can function and do what I’m good at without the gaslighting. I realised it’s the first time in 15 years that I’ve got an actual permanent contract, not a limited gig. That’s a good feeling in itself. Maybe after a few months I’ll trust that it really is going to stick.
In house news, we are thees close to having a start date for the garden work. And we already have a few new lights. They’re not quite properly installed yet, but you walk into the bedroom, you hit a switch, you get light. Big progress! We’ve hung up one or two pictures, and taken a pile of others to be framed. There’s no great, “ok we are actually finally on top of things” moment, but things are loosening up; things are slowly moving in the direction of happening. The feeling of being absolutely and completely stuck in one spot, no matter how much I flail my limbs and struggle to get going, is gone. Oh, and there’s sunshine. It really was the coldest spring in 34 years, but now it’s actually summer. Hooray for that.