But they don’t fall down

Things that I am overthinking and possibly wobbling over, in no particular order.

1. Existential angst over work, because of course the minute I have a job, I have to reconsider the whole issue of what the hell the point of any of this is and why must it all be so much and I was just getting a chance to enjoy a few hours without kids on the regular and is life really just about getting through the days one after the other until we die. (Yes. Of course it is. And?)
2. Parenting angst over kid 1, who literally called me from school one day to say she loves Gymi, Gymi is awesome, but maybe she wants to switch to Sek* instead. For reasons that changed from one conversation to another and ranged from “I am a person who needs free time” to “the planet is going to explode within 20 years so I want to enjoy my life before I’m 30 and basically dead and I DON’T WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL FOR THE NEXT SIX YEARS”, but which I think may have a lot to do with FOMO (Sek is also great and maybe she’s missing out?!) as well as the pressure of the famously stressful Probezeit. She’s doing great, but it’s probably really hard to grasp the truth that the current heavy workload is not going to continue for the next six years. Anyway. It’s all under control, and whatever happens I know she’ll be fine, it’s just a bit of a shock to have the kid who spent the last two years obsessed with the idea of Gymi -> University -> SCIENCE!!1! suddenly keen to chuck it all.
3. Parenting angst over kid 2, because ADHD, probably. (Testing coming up.) He’s awesome and adorable and really fucking hard work.
4. Existential angst over my own similarly scattered brain and how hard it is to focus on work. I realise that working as a sub-editor was perfect for me, not just because I’m good at editing, but because of the daily deadline pressure. Working in short, intense, super-productive bursts, with plenty of gaps to fart around, works really well for me. Having to keep my attention on one larger task for an extended period… not so much. Especially when that task is writing. Writers know what I’m talking about here. I’m good with the words and all, but having to pin my wriggly thoughts down on the page instead of going down every research rabbithole I can find (while checking Twitter and snarking with WhatsApp friends and maybe doing some quick online yarn shopping and…and…) – yeah that’s harder.
5. The incredible irony that my official Last Knitting Design is the most successful one ever. Instinctively of course part of me says, ok! That was super fun! Let’s do it again, it’s not that much work if you do it this way! But that would be forgetting that every other design (including at least one that I have done exactly the same way) was waaaaaay less successful, and it is still a lot of work, and when it isn’t successful it kinda sucks, and I really did have good reason for choosing to cut all that bullshit out of my life. Stoopid brain.
6. More incredible irony that my job requires me to become, if not exactly expert, then at least well versed in topics that cause me to roll my eyes SO DAMN HARD, in the blockchain and crypto line. The F in NFTs does not stand for fungible in my mind, let’s just put it that way.
7. Much questioning of self-image and all because I’m not at all convinced that the things I’m supposed to be good at I actually am good at; see #4 and #5.
8. Being under the weather for two solid weeks for no apparent reason. Well, first there was a random but rather intense eye infection, which came with extreme fatigue, which lasted well beyond the eye thing. Then there was a cold. None of it a big thing in itself but enough to make me feel a bit fed up with everything (and see #1), and also as a result I have well and truly fallen off the exercise bandwagon, which is unfortunate.
9. Autumn. It’s very very beautiful this year! In theory I rather love it! But I’d love it a whole lot more if I were free to just, well, snuggle up with my knitting, instead of having to grownup all over the damn place. As it is, well, it’s fucking cold and dark and Not Conducive.
10. I’m tired. That’s all. I’m just tired.

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* Gymi = Gymnasium, academic track high school, magic easy university access. Sek = Sekondarschule, regular high school, many opportunities but slightly harder route to university. And imo a lot less fun if you’re naturally suited to Gymi, which kid 1 really, really is.